Today I read my thesis.  Or, I read the latest, most complete version of my thesis.  What it would like if it were due today, and not one month from now.  It took longer than I expected.  At the end of it I came out feeling surprisingly neutral about the whole thing.  I don't hate it and I don't love it.  Every story in it could be better.  I had really hoped that once it was done in August each story would be polished and pretty enough to send out into the world, but I'm not sure that's the case.  I feel like there is potential in each one, interesting characters and compelling ideas (for the most part).  But each story still feels a little doughy to me, like bread taken out of the oven before the timer goes off.  I say I have a month, but that's only until the thesis is due in the MFA office.  I have to turn it a complete, solid, final draft on August 4th to my adviser.  That's not so long from now.  I don't know if that's long enough for the stories to bake to perfection, so to speak.

It's ok.  The stories are good enough for a thesis.  They are good enough to get me my degree.  I still have some days (weeks, even) left to work out the bigger problems, to fluff out scenes that need it and copy edit for typos and awkward sentences.  I am going to be excited and proud and relieved when I turn it in.  I am going to clutch the thing to my chest out of happiness, I'm going to high-five my friends and and I will allow myself to tweet and facebook and email my accomplishment in capital letters with more explanation points than necessary.  It will be fun, it will be good, but it will still only be good enough.

And as far as writing goes, I hope it's the last time I settle for "good enough."

I am not a perfectionist.  I am not a straight-A student.  To my embarrassment, I am not even the person in workshop who reads over my manuscript before turning it in for typos.  I reach an ending, a place that feels good enough and I go with it.  So it is sort of surprising to realize that I'm decididly not ok with "good enough" anymore.  I will accept it for my thesis, but I know I can't accept it after that, when I'm looking towards publishing.  Publishing is a strange beast I've been approaching slowly, with one eye closed.  I've submitted things and been rejected a dozen or so times, but each submission has been somewhat impulsive, each story has been work I am fond of, but not work I love.  Not work that's fully baked, work that I know is 100% done and delicious.  Which is probably where I've gone wrong.  I'm starting to think more seriously about what happens after the MFA and what kind of writer I want to be.  If I ignore the desperate desire to just be published, anywhere, just to see my name in print, just for the validation of it, just to feel like I have something (anything) to show for myself, then what do I want from publishing?  What do I want when someone reads one of my stories?  I don't want them to read it and think, gee, that's good enough.  Certianly that's not what will please the beast, either.